just saw my brother's report book just now...

he did extremely well & i am very proud of him

but somehow or rather i did not just feel happy for him

i felt jealous of him & was utterly ashamed of myself

out of 10 subjects,

my brother scored 8 A1s & 2 B4s for his fye

he is the 11th in the whole school...

never before in my entire life have i had this kind of results

somehow no matter what, i would still have at least 1 C.

hais...i feel so inferior to him

so what if i can speak better? so what if i got into JC?

i barely made it into JC & now? ha-ha i might be leaving.

hais i asked my dad, what IF i have to retain JC1

he didn't answer me at first...but

i could see from his eyes that he was disappointed.

its like i could hear him saying:

"Vivian, what happen? why like this again?"

instead he finally said: "see how first lor."

i am so afraid of telling him my marks...

i am so afraid to see his sad & disappointed face

i am so afraid of how he would feel,

when my aunt tells him how well her children has done

i am so afraid to be a failure & a disgrace in his eyes.

i want so much to do my family proud...

but apparently i have not done so...

i was never good in my studies...

i don't have any great achievements in my life

the only good thing that has happen is that,

i fulfilled one of his wishes....i got into JC

but does it even count? since i might have to get expelled?

frustration & sadness fills me...

bleeding...

maybe.....i should never have been born here.

a distance away from everything.transparent